“It’s Okay to not be Okay”
John, 46, grew up fishing the waters on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. John was eleven years old when he was taken in by his grandparents to escape the abuse of an alcoholic father. “My grandfather, John Sr. and I started building a boat. I followed his lead, and he took very good care of me. He showed me compassion and taught me what compassion for others meant. My grandfather also explained how forgiveness worked and how important it is to forgive. We truly bonded, and to my surprise, when we finished building the boat, we put it in the water, and he gave it to me.”
John lived with his grandparents for 27 years, and his life was good. “I joined the fire department, played softball, and did some pretty exciting things, but my grandfather got sick. The day that he died, a part of me died. My lifeline and my mental support were gone, and I replaced that with alcohol and disconnected from life.”
“It was a constant fight every day to keep my head above water. I was drowning. Two years ago, I was sitting in Medstar St. Mary’s Hospital when the doctors said there was nothing else that they could do for me. I looked down on the counter, and there was a number for Helping Up Mission (HUM). I called and asked if they had a bed, which they did. I then called my mother for the first time in a very long time and said, “If you never speak to me for the rest of your life, I need help with one thing.“ And she drove me to Baltimore the next day.”
“I spent my first night in Overnight Guest Services (OGS), feeling numb, alone, and lost. A guy that I have never seen before asked, “Hey, fella, you okay?” The following morning, he was getting ready to leave, and when I told him that I was going to join the Spiritual Recovery Program (SRP), his response was, “I can’t leave your country–self like this. I gotta look after you!” A few days later, we were both in the program.”
One day during a class taught by Spiritual Life Director Mike Rallo, John was angry. “Mike just looked at me and said, “Hey man, what’s wrong with you?” And I answered, “Nothing.” Which he responded, “It’s okay not to be okay.” I started repeating that statement over and over, and after class, I went up to the roof, grabbed the railing, and decided to let go of my anger, because it’s okay. I let it all go that day, and when I came back down from the roof, I was a different man. I began to do things the right way.”
“I engaged in my work therapy assignment in the OGS the right way. Working in OGS gave me the opportunity to be like my grandfather and practice compassion with grace. I then recognized that he had been with me this whole time, and I looked up, smiling, and I have been okay from that day on.”
“I then turned my attention to the 60 men that spend their nights in OGS. How could I help them with their barriers? So, I told them my story and wanted to find out how bad their storm was. Conversations turned into building a relationship of trust. Often, the guys even taught this country boy about city life! With my Peer Recovery Coach and mental health training, we started to break down barriers.”
In January 2020, John graduated from the HUM’s yearlong Spiritual Recovery Program and was hired by HUM as the first Treatment Coordinator for overnight guests. In March, when COVID-19 forced HUM to redevelop processes and procedures to comply with safety regulations taking additional precautions, John felt the calling to stay with the overnight guests and administer to their needs. “I wasn’t worried about getting the virus. I knew that God was not going to bring me this far to drop me. My faith in Him took away my fears.”
“When HUM’s community partner, Johns Hopkins Hospital administered COVID-19 testing, I assisted testing the men, ensuring they were safe, comfortable, and receiving basic needs. One day, I started feeling tired and found it difficult to breathe. I was tested for COVID-19; the results came back positive for the infection. I became angry and afraid as my body started shutting down. I would not let the doctors put me to sleep until I knew that I would be safe. We agreed on a treatment plan involving intravenous fluids, which felt like my veins were on fire.”
John spent ten days recovering in quarantine before being cleared to return to HUM and return to work with the men he lovingly serves. “You know I am a big guy, and to be able to say, “Hey, this happened, but it’s okay.” I have learned how to move forward, sharing with others, this is how you pray, and this is how you get through the barriers, and this is how you survive the storm. It’s pretty amazing.” Thank you for helping John feel amazing!